Right Speech

Echinacea
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Wow, so I have been overwhelmed at work for the past 2 months. When I am as busy as I have been, and even more importantly, as tired as I have been, it makes it hard to see the little steps forward. Well, one came to my attention yesterday and it felt really good.
I am a great exaggerator. When I am telling someone no or explaining why I can't do something, I have a horrible habit of making my reason even larger than it is. And yes, sometimes I just outright lie. If I don't feel like doing something, then I don't feel well. And I will stretch that out as far as it can go-like I have a massive migraine when I truly only have a little headache.
Yesterday, however, I didn't exaggerate. I know that may not seem like a big deal. But it really was. I was having some heartburn and a little upset stomach but I was supposed to have a massage. I know what you're saying-who wants to skip on their massage? I did. Normally I would have made it sound like I was really sick-either diarrhea or vomiting-but this time I did not. I just came right out and explained how I felt. What was strange was that I paused in the middle of my tale and checked myself. That is something I would have needed to do if I was lying, to make sure that I was keeping my story straight. And when I realized that I was telling the truth, I felt naked and exposed. It was the strangest feeling. I can't explain it adequately. It was exposing and freeing all at the same time. I did it again sometime later that night. I had missed some phone calls because my phone was on vibrate. When I realized it, I called the person. On many occasions, I would have made up a good excuse for missing the calls. This time, I did not. I just told them what happened. And again I stopped to check my story and was still surprised to find that I had told the truth! Weird! Why was I surprised? I must lie more than I even realize.
I wonder if it is a protection-that would explain why I felt exposed. Or am I fearful of what other people would think of me if I told them my real reason. Like they may not think it is good enough and so they would try to pressure me. So I am trying to avoid that pressure by making sure my excuse is a damn good one.
All I know right now, is that it felt really good to not exaggerate and just say it like it is. I hope that these small experiences with Right Speech will continue and build upon each other. I want to feel secure enough with my self and the people around me that I don't have to lie to them or myself.

Attention

3
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Life does just seem to be one giant battle with my ego. This intolerable need that we all have to have someone pay attention to us. Friends, lovers, enemies, neighbors, family, co-workers-whomever. We just want someone to acknowledge our existence and that we are worth knowing. Is this just insecurity? I used to do very immature things when I was in high school to get attention from people. Not terrible things-I never hurt anyone or my self. At least not intentionally. But sometimes the mind wanders to that lonely place and wonders if anyone would notice if I was gone. I don't visit that sad place very often any more. When I was a teen, I lived there. I have made progress in the ego clinging and craving that takes place regarding my friends. Still, sometimes I wish they would pay more attention to me. And I hate when these feelings come up.
The past few days, as I read a book on 'lojong,' I have been trying to confront these feelings but they are slippery. How to get to the deep part? To the real issue? And like some Buddhist teachers say, it is a soft, tender spot in my chest that is revealed. My heart. Shielded away under so much armor. And it aches and hurts when I think about my friends and how little they acknowledge me. So I try to be good about this. And I do the things that I want my friends to do. I call them. I write emails. I leave comments on their photos and blogs and facebook pages. All in attempts to make them feel better-if they are even feeling lonely at all.
Then my ego jumps in. I tell myself that it is because of my heart opening and spiritual progression that I feel this way. It is because I am superior to my friends. They are all shut off from their feelings but I am not. I am better than them. But I don't think any of that is true either. Just ego trying to justify my pain.
So what do I do? How do I get the attention that I want? Maybe that is not the question. I need to get rid of these expectations. I need to accept what my friends are able to offer me and neither look nor expect more. Then I can't be hurt and let down.
But I don't think that is the right answer either. That is just more shutting down and closing off.

Here we go again

Close up 2
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Okay, I am trying this again. For the umpteenth time. I was reading over the old recent blogs and I thought I had managed to capture my thoughts pretty well-for me. And a lot of spiritual/Buddhist thoughts have been running through my noggin and I thought I would like to write them down.
Over the past weekend, I had planned a solo getaway. Just me and the mountains. How much was I looking forward to it! I hadn't planned anything because it was just me, I would do whatever I felt like when it struck me. There were a couple of things I had in mind, though. Hike 2 trails, one of which leads to a fantastic overlook on a cliff. Sit on that cliff for an hour or two just thinking and meditating. I am the mountain sort of meditation. Sit on the balcony of my room and think some more in the evening. Stop by the gift shop and pick up a book or two on the park and whatever else tickled my fancy.
So a dear friend of mine called me just as I was gassing up the car to get out of town. This friend is going through a truly bad time right now so before I could think twice, I asked him to come with me and he agreed. Hmm, this has the potential to be a long story. The short version is, since I had nothing planned we did something that he wanted to do but I could have cared less about. And since we did that, by the time I got to the gift shop it was closed. Oh man! Was I upset! Typically over reaction by me when things don't go my way. Craving and attachment.
I had done so well being unattached to the idea of a solo trip that I wasn't upset that my friend was with me. He needs help and I want to help. We talked and talked about his problems. I can only hope and pray that I gave him some peace by getting away from the situation for 36 hours. But in that instant when I pulled on the gift shop door and it was locked, all of my unattachment flew out the window in a black haze. I just wanted to blame my friend. If we hadn't done what he wanted to do, I could have made it to the gift shop. It took a good hour to shake that thinking. The strings of my craving had pulled me up hard. It was really kind of interesting listening to myself first try to justify my anger and then try to talk myself out of it. Oh the conversation in my brain for an hour! I wish I could have recorded it so that I could listen to it now.
It is hard work, talking myself out of those states of mind when they fall over me. But each time it is getting easier to come out of it. To let go of my preconceptions, my plans, my idea of how my day should be. I wouldn't go back and rescind my invitation to my friend so that I could go to the store-he clearly needed to get away as much as I did and he has more pressing needs. We talked dharma, karma, relationships, and attachments and it is clear that we both still have much to learn. And I would just like to say to the universe, the gods, buddhas and boddhisattvas, guides and gurus:
Thank you for the opportunity to practice.

Between storms

Between storms
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Sometimes I feel like there is an opening in the clouds and sunlight is shining on me. For a fraction of a moment, God's Grace reveals the true me hidden beneath the armor this society has built on me. I am pure, compassionate, caring, graceful-a true being of the universe. I am beautiful. But I take one step, one breath, and it all falls away. Then it is only a memory or a mirage of my potential. How can I find a way to live in that Grace?

In the moment

Gold Stars
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Learning to live in the moment is such an important skill. It has come back to my attention, how important it is, because I am worried about my cat. I have had Silly, my cat, since junior year of college and for most of the years of her life I have not had the money to take care of her properly. By which I mean yearly veterinary visits. Now she is older, overweight and seems to have a skin irritation so I am going to take her to the vet-hopefully they will give me some good ideas on how to put her on a diet. I have tried on my own but it has not been successful. Okay, wait, I am getting off topic. I fear taking her to the vet. Making this decision was very hard and involved some tears. I am afraid they are going to tell me something is very wrong with her. I know I don't have much time left with my Silly bug, we all know that death is coming to part us from our loved ones. But since I have made this decision to take her to the vet, when I look at her all I see is her impending departure and I get so upset. So I keep having to remind myself that she is not gone yet. She is right here and I need to enjoy this time, this moment, together and not look forward to the unhappy time that is in some unknown future. This is where I am bringing the suffering upon myself. Ah yes, the Four Noble Truths. I see them perfectly in my own life. And at least I can recognize that I am doing this to myself, I am making myself upset and sad. I need to stay in the moment and enjoy this time. Sure it can be wistful and tinged with sadness because I know what will happen eventually. But I can't live in that future that hasn't even happened yet. I can't fear this trip to the vet because my mind is concocting all sorts of things wrong with my pet that I simply don't know are true. Our minds are powerful tools that can create things with our thoughts. I do not want to make those awful things come true. I have to control that fear and not let it rule me. Especially because going to the vet is the right thing to do. I have a responsibility to my cat that I can't push aside because of something that might not happen. In this moment, we are both alive and together and her purr comforts me more than I can ever say.

Insecurities

Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Finally joined facebook last night. And it brought up some old(and not so old) issues for me. All of these people that I knew from high school added me as a friend. At first I thought it was brilliant! How awesome to see how all these people are doing! Then I began to worry about how they would judge me. How pathetic my life must look from an outsiders point of view. I try to keep that fact hidden from my view, that my life is pathetic. I am very content about a lot of stuff in my life, most especially my spiritual growth. I have the answers that most people are looking for. But to society's view, I am a complete failure. Well maybe not complete. I have no significant other, no children, no home of my own, and a crappy job. I am content with no children. I can't imagine the type of person I would turn into if I had children, I think I would be a worse person. Most of the time I am at peace with the fact that I have no significant other. When I see all of these people on facebook with their spouses and families, then I am struck with a sense of loss. How can I mourn for something that I never had? Well I do. I don't really want to catch up or meet up with these old friends. I don't want to see the pity in their faces when I say I have no one and no children. I don't want to explain my choices.

So joining facebook has been a cloud with a silver lining. It has raised those feelings of ...how do I describe it? Are they insecurities? Are the inadequacies? Judgment? Damnit, they just make me feel like a loser and that is not cool. Time to put my buddhist practices in place. Time to let go and not judge them. Hell, not judge myself! Time to see the interconnectedness of all life. Remind myself that we are all one so if they are married and happy, in a way so am I. Wish them happiness and joy. May all beings be free from suffering.

Claustrophobic

red rocks stitch
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

I am feeling closed in. I almost had a nervous breakdown tonight-well, I exaggerate. A little breakdown into a puddle of tears maybe. I am tired of my life being squeezed into my little room. One 10 by 12 space that has my most important stuff piled on top of each other and crammed in. I need room. I need wide open spaces, as the song goes. Space to stretch out. One could make the argument that I have too much stuff. And stuff is definitely bad, I know that. I know I shouldn't identify with the stuff and connect to it. I should just get rid of most of it. But it is so hard. I have already done a lot of paring down and then christmas and my birthday arrive and people give me more stuff! What am I to do with all this stuff? I don't want to get rid of most of it but I know that being so attached to it is bad. So much of it is books and I don't part with books well. Then there are the cds and dvds. The PS2-I am seriously considering getting rid of that. I haven't played it in months, it just doesn't interest me any more. I should give it to my nephews, they would go crazy over it. Sigh. This blog is really about 2 different issues. The way I crave more space, a place of my own where I can spread out and put things wherever I want them. And it is also about 'stuff'. It really is bad for you to be attached to material items. They feed the ego and the fake sense of self we all have. Yet every weekend I go out and buy more stuff. I am not a shop-aholic, don't get that impression. I have a hard time spending money. But all of the little things add up to a lot when you are in a small room. I have to figure out something, though. And wanting more space just leads into other issues that I don't feel like thinking about at 1 am. I just wanted to cry when I stepped into my room tonight. I can't even open my door all the way, it bumps into the bed. There is stuff all over the floor that I have no place to put. Then I think about the materialistic 'stuff' aspect of the situation and get more frustrated. I don't want to cling to this stuff, I truly don't. I don't know how to solve this problem. I need to just accept the situation for what it is-it is my life and my living space. There is little I can do right now to change it. Maybe I should give it all away and join a Buddhist convent.