Insecurities

Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Finally joined facebook last night. And it brought up some old(and not so old) issues for me. All of these people that I knew from high school added me as a friend. At first I thought it was brilliant! How awesome to see how all these people are doing! Then I began to worry about how they would judge me. How pathetic my life must look from an outsiders point of view. I try to keep that fact hidden from my view, that my life is pathetic. I am very content about a lot of stuff in my life, most especially my spiritual growth. I have the answers that most people are looking for. But to society's view, I am a complete failure. Well maybe not complete. I have no significant other, no children, no home of my own, and a crappy job. I am content with no children. I can't imagine the type of person I would turn into if I had children, I think I would be a worse person. Most of the time I am at peace with the fact that I have no significant other. When I see all of these people on facebook with their spouses and families, then I am struck with a sense of loss. How can I mourn for something that I never had? Well I do. I don't really want to catch up or meet up with these old friends. I don't want to see the pity in their faces when I say I have no one and no children. I don't want to explain my choices.

So joining facebook has been a cloud with a silver lining. It has raised those feelings of ...how do I describe it? Are they insecurities? Are the inadequacies? Judgment? Damnit, they just make me feel like a loser and that is not cool. Time to put my buddhist practices in place. Time to let go and not judge them. Hell, not judge myself! Time to see the interconnectedness of all life. Remind myself that we are all one so if they are married and happy, in a way so am I. Wish them happiness and joy. May all beings be free from suffering.