Claustrophobic

red rocks stitch
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

I am feeling closed in. I almost had a nervous breakdown tonight-well, I exaggerate. A little breakdown into a puddle of tears maybe. I am tired of my life being squeezed into my little room. One 10 by 12 space that has my most important stuff piled on top of each other and crammed in. I need room. I need wide open spaces, as the song goes. Space to stretch out. One could make the argument that I have too much stuff. And stuff is definitely bad, I know that. I know I shouldn't identify with the stuff and connect to it. I should just get rid of most of it. But it is so hard. I have already done a lot of paring down and then christmas and my birthday arrive and people give me more stuff! What am I to do with all this stuff? I don't want to get rid of most of it but I know that being so attached to it is bad. So much of it is books and I don't part with books well. Then there are the cds and dvds. The PS2-I am seriously considering getting rid of that. I haven't played it in months, it just doesn't interest me any more. I should give it to my nephews, they would go crazy over it. Sigh. This blog is really about 2 different issues. The way I crave more space, a place of my own where I can spread out and put things wherever I want them. And it is also about 'stuff'. It really is bad for you to be attached to material items. They feed the ego and the fake sense of self we all have. Yet every weekend I go out and buy more stuff. I am not a shop-aholic, don't get that impression. I have a hard time spending money. But all of the little things add up to a lot when you are in a small room. I have to figure out something, though. And wanting more space just leads into other issues that I don't feel like thinking about at 1 am. I just wanted to cry when I stepped into my room tonight. I can't even open my door all the way, it bumps into the bed. There is stuff all over the floor that I have no place to put. Then I think about the materialistic 'stuff' aspect of the situation and get more frustrated. I don't want to cling to this stuff, I truly don't. I don't know how to solve this problem. I need to just accept the situation for what it is-it is my life and my living space. There is little I can do right now to change it. Maybe I should give it all away and join a Buddhist convent.