Losing focus. Actually I think I have lost focus. There was a time, what now seems like a very brief time, where I felt like I was getting my emotional shit together. I was making progress. I was learning how to deal with my moodiness. Hell, lets be honest-my bitchiness, my ego, my controlling nature. I was learning how to let go. Now I let go in a defeatist way. I let go because it is easier not to care. It has been a difficult year and a half dealing with an almost always present pain. Pain twists and contorts you. It has undone the progress I made. It has returned me to that place where I am spiteful, angry, and apathetic. No, it is worse than apathy. I am learning valuable tools but I am not using them. I am wasting my time. I am wasting this life. And not in the usual way that people talk about wasting their lives. I am not referring to my career or family life. I am talking about spiritual growth. Life is a gift-a time for growing spiritually. And I am wasting it. It is so easy to blame the pain and the medication. But I make the choice every day to let something upset me. I bite the hook, it doesn't jump in my mouth.
I had begun this blog to remind myself of something good that happens everyday. I know better now. It is about making myself better everyday. It is about how I choose to react that makes the day happy or not. Tomorrow could potentially be a bad day. I need to make the effort and use my tools to not let it be a bad day. I have to remind myself that everyone else is suffering too. And everyone just wants to be free from that suffering. I can help them or I can stand in their way. And I can try very hard not to bite the hook.
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra