Insecurities

Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Finally joined facebook last night. And it brought up some old(and not so old) issues for me. All of these people that I knew from high school added me as a friend. At first I thought it was brilliant! How awesome to see how all these people are doing! Then I began to worry about how they would judge me. How pathetic my life must look from an outsiders point of view. I try to keep that fact hidden from my view, that my life is pathetic. I am very content about a lot of stuff in my life, most especially my spiritual growth. I have the answers that most people are looking for. But to society's view, I am a complete failure. Well maybe not complete. I have no significant other, no children, no home of my own, and a crappy job. I am content with no children. I can't imagine the type of person I would turn into if I had children, I think I would be a worse person. Most of the time I am at peace with the fact that I have no significant other. When I see all of these people on facebook with their spouses and families, then I am struck with a sense of loss. How can I mourn for something that I never had? Well I do. I don't really want to catch up or meet up with these old friends. I don't want to see the pity in their faces when I say I have no one and no children. I don't want to explain my choices.

So joining facebook has been a cloud with a silver lining. It has raised those feelings of ...how do I describe it? Are they insecurities? Are the inadequacies? Judgment? Damnit, they just make me feel like a loser and that is not cool. Time to put my buddhist practices in place. Time to let go and not judge them. Hell, not judge myself! Time to see the interconnectedness of all life. Remind myself that we are all one so if they are married and happy, in a way so am I. Wish them happiness and joy. May all beings be free from suffering.

Claustrophobic

red rocks stitch
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

I am feeling closed in. I almost had a nervous breakdown tonight-well, I exaggerate. A little breakdown into a puddle of tears maybe. I am tired of my life being squeezed into my little room. One 10 by 12 space that has my most important stuff piled on top of each other and crammed in. I need room. I need wide open spaces, as the song goes. Space to stretch out. One could make the argument that I have too much stuff. And stuff is definitely bad, I know that. I know I shouldn't identify with the stuff and connect to it. I should just get rid of most of it. But it is so hard. I have already done a lot of paring down and then christmas and my birthday arrive and people give me more stuff! What am I to do with all this stuff? I don't want to get rid of most of it but I know that being so attached to it is bad. So much of it is books and I don't part with books well. Then there are the cds and dvds. The PS2-I am seriously considering getting rid of that. I haven't played it in months, it just doesn't interest me any more. I should give it to my nephews, they would go crazy over it. Sigh. This blog is really about 2 different issues. The way I crave more space, a place of my own where I can spread out and put things wherever I want them. And it is also about 'stuff'. It really is bad for you to be attached to material items. They feed the ego and the fake sense of self we all have. Yet every weekend I go out and buy more stuff. I am not a shop-aholic, don't get that impression. I have a hard time spending money. But all of the little things add up to a lot when you are in a small room. I have to figure out something, though. And wanting more space just leads into other issues that I don't feel like thinking about at 1 am. I just wanted to cry when I stepped into my room tonight. I can't even open my door all the way, it bumps into the bed. There is stuff all over the floor that I have no place to put. Then I think about the materialistic 'stuff' aspect of the situation and get more frustrated. I don't want to cling to this stuff, I truly don't. I don't know how to solve this problem. I need to just accept the situation for what it is-it is my life and my living space. There is little I can do right now to change it. Maybe I should give it all away and join a Buddhist convent.

Losing focus. Actually I think I have lost focus. There was a time, what now seems like a very brief time, where I felt like I was getting my emotional shit together. I was making progress. I was learning how to deal with my moodiness. Hell, lets be honest-my bitchiness, my ego, my controlling nature. I was learning how to let go. Now I let go in a defeatist way. I let go because it is easier not to care. It has been a difficult year and a half dealing with an almost always present pain. Pain twists and contorts you. It has undone the progress I made. It has returned me to that place where I am spiteful, angry, and apathetic. No, it is worse than apathy. I am learning valuable tools but I am not using them. I am wasting my time. I am wasting this life. And not in the usual way that people talk about wasting their lives. I am not referring to my career or family life. I am talking about spiritual growth. Life is a gift-a time for growing spiritually. And I am wasting it. It is so easy to blame the pain and the medication. But I make the choice every day to let something upset me. I bite the hook, it doesn't jump in my mouth.
I had begun this blog to remind myself of something good that happens everyday. I know better now. It is about making myself better everyday. It is about how I choose to react that makes the day happy or not. Tomorrow could potentially be a bad day. I need to make the effort and use my tools to not let it be a bad day. I have to remind myself that everyone else is suffering too. And everyone just wants to be free from that suffering. I can help them or I can stand in their way. And I can try very hard not to bite the hook.
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Testing

10
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

It's been a long time since I have kept up with this blog. Since Michael has started a blog on this website, I figured what the hell. And I was able to link my flickr account with my blogger blog so it makes it even better!