Attention

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Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Life does just seem to be one giant battle with my ego. This intolerable need that we all have to have someone pay attention to us. Friends, lovers, enemies, neighbors, family, co-workers-whomever. We just want someone to acknowledge our existence and that we are worth knowing. Is this just insecurity? I used to do very immature things when I was in high school to get attention from people. Not terrible things-I never hurt anyone or my self. At least not intentionally. But sometimes the mind wanders to that lonely place and wonders if anyone would notice if I was gone. I don't visit that sad place very often any more. When I was a teen, I lived there. I have made progress in the ego clinging and craving that takes place regarding my friends. Still, sometimes I wish they would pay more attention to me. And I hate when these feelings come up.
The past few days, as I read a book on 'lojong,' I have been trying to confront these feelings but they are slippery. How to get to the deep part? To the real issue? And like some Buddhist teachers say, it is a soft, tender spot in my chest that is revealed. My heart. Shielded away under so much armor. And it aches and hurts when I think about my friends and how little they acknowledge me. So I try to be good about this. And I do the things that I want my friends to do. I call them. I write emails. I leave comments on their photos and blogs and facebook pages. All in attempts to make them feel better-if they are even feeling lonely at all.
Then my ego jumps in. I tell myself that it is because of my heart opening and spiritual progression that I feel this way. It is because I am superior to my friends. They are all shut off from their feelings but I am not. I am better than them. But I don't think any of that is true either. Just ego trying to justify my pain.
So what do I do? How do I get the attention that I want? Maybe that is not the question. I need to get rid of these expectations. I need to accept what my friends are able to offer me and neither look nor expect more. Then I can't be hurt and let down.
But I don't think that is the right answer either. That is just more shutting down and closing off.

Here we go again

Close up 2
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Okay, I am trying this again. For the umpteenth time. I was reading over the old recent blogs and I thought I had managed to capture my thoughts pretty well-for me. And a lot of spiritual/Buddhist thoughts have been running through my noggin and I thought I would like to write them down.
Over the past weekend, I had planned a solo getaway. Just me and the mountains. How much was I looking forward to it! I hadn't planned anything because it was just me, I would do whatever I felt like when it struck me. There were a couple of things I had in mind, though. Hike 2 trails, one of which leads to a fantastic overlook on a cliff. Sit on that cliff for an hour or two just thinking and meditating. I am the mountain sort of meditation. Sit on the balcony of my room and think some more in the evening. Stop by the gift shop and pick up a book or two on the park and whatever else tickled my fancy.
So a dear friend of mine called me just as I was gassing up the car to get out of town. This friend is going through a truly bad time right now so before I could think twice, I asked him to come with me and he agreed. Hmm, this has the potential to be a long story. The short version is, since I had nothing planned we did something that he wanted to do but I could have cared less about. And since we did that, by the time I got to the gift shop it was closed. Oh man! Was I upset! Typically over reaction by me when things don't go my way. Craving and attachment.
I had done so well being unattached to the idea of a solo trip that I wasn't upset that my friend was with me. He needs help and I want to help. We talked and talked about his problems. I can only hope and pray that I gave him some peace by getting away from the situation for 36 hours. But in that instant when I pulled on the gift shop door and it was locked, all of my unattachment flew out the window in a black haze. I just wanted to blame my friend. If we hadn't done what he wanted to do, I could have made it to the gift shop. It took a good hour to shake that thinking. The strings of my craving had pulled me up hard. It was really kind of interesting listening to myself first try to justify my anger and then try to talk myself out of it. Oh the conversation in my brain for an hour! I wish I could have recorded it so that I could listen to it now.
It is hard work, talking myself out of those states of mind when they fall over me. But each time it is getting easier to come out of it. To let go of my preconceptions, my plans, my idea of how my day should be. I wouldn't go back and rescind my invitation to my friend so that I could go to the store-he clearly needed to get away as much as I did and he has more pressing needs. We talked dharma, karma, relationships, and attachments and it is clear that we both still have much to learn. And I would just like to say to the universe, the gods, buddhas and boddhisattvas, guides and gurus:
Thank you for the opportunity to practice.