Ah, new NIN! Yay! Went to target yesterday and got it on sale. Also bought a little sunflower plant to grow. I think I should plant that today. My original plan was to also get a hair cut today but now I am feeling unmotivated as I sit in front of this computer and wander around the internet.
My thoughts wander back to Pete and his blogs. I am still worried about him. Still no one has heard from Jess and he hasn't talked much about it either. But I know it is tearing him up inside. I wonder if he talks to anyone about it? I could just wring the necks of Greg and Jess. Stupid self centered idiots. Dreamt about Greg last night for the first time in a long time. Dreamt I was almost pleading with him to come back. I tried to remind him of all the good times we had and how much we loved him. It was so surreal in that way that dreams can be. Sometimes we were in a desert/canyon area at night and all of my friends were there. Pete, Shawn, Jess, Greg, Allie, Angie, Jim, Nathan, Mary. Angie sort of stood off to the side. I remember telling Greg I had been pregnant but never told him because I had miscarried. (Not true in real life at all, we never slept together) Must have been some sort of representation of my love and friendship for him and how it has ruptured. I had a quilt that I was working on showing all of the good times we had together. The quilt was incomplete and falling apart. Then other times we were at a huge festival/party. Still nighttime. This party was definitely surreal-it fed into other dreams from last night not related to Greg. But there were bands and carnival rides and bonfires. It was in a big field and woods. I think we were trying to show him how much fun we had together. I don't remember so much from that dream.
There was also a Buddhism part to one of my dreams last night. Something about the Dalai Lama. I remember the maroon and gold, monk colors. That was a very important part too and I can't remember it! Ugh! My sign to get back into my Buddhism studies. Wish I could go to KPC this weekend but I have to work at the Wheel. Maybe when I get out of work on Saturday afternoon I'll take a drive out there. Oh yeah! There was something about singing bowls in the dream! Yay little pieces coming back to me! Saturday I will go to KPC!
Riding lesson this afternoon, yay!

The tales of heroism coming out of Blacksburg today are amazing. They make me cry a little but that is ok. And I cry for the soul of that poor Korean student and his family. I cry for the gun store owner that sold him the gun. And most especially I cry for the wounded and dead students and professors. But I love hearing those tales of heroism. I hope this nation doesn't get tied up in a blame game though. Gun control laws, the store owner, his family, the actions of the university. None of these things are to blame for what happened yesterday. I repeat my blog from yesterday, I stand by it. Don't blame VT for what they did or did not do. If this man was determined to kill people, he would have found people to kill whether they were on campus or not. Be kind to each other people, you never know who is hiding the next shooter inside them.

On a personal note, my back hurts so bad today! It is from cleaning the basement on sunday, I know. Just why does it take 2 days for the pain to kick in? Why? Finished my state taxes too, today. Yay!

Terrible, tragic news out of Virginia Tech today. I am sure there are millions of blogs already about it. Might as well add mine to the melee. Lots of people bitching about the decision not to lock down the campus after the first shooting. Shut up people! Does it do any good to bitch about that now? Besides, they made the best decision they could with the knowledge they had. The people in charge thought that the dead guy was the shooter, they thought it was a murder-suicide. Who would have thought that the shooter would go out and kill more 2 hours later? That is a long time! 2 hours! The shooter could have driven to DC by then. Would a lock down have really done any good? After an hour, the students locked in the dorms would have gotten bored and been out of their rooms by then anyway. Let's face the truth here, teenagers don't like to do what they are told. And what about the ones that were already en route to their morning classes? Where would they have gone? 26,000 students go to that school. That is a hell of a lot. Imagine trying to get them all locked down. Never would have happened. Ok, enough.
VT, my prayers and thoughts are with you.

Spent the morning doing my federal taxes online. 770 dollar refund, heck yes! Now I have to decide how to spend it! New digital SLR camera? New LCD monitor? New tires? I think the new tires is a definite. We'll see after that. Then I spent the afternoon/evening hours sucking up the rainwater that flooded the basement with the wet/dry vac. Ugh, that is yucky, smelly, wet, back breaking work. Stupid nor'easter that didn't bring us any snow! Just inches and inches of water!

I wonder if this pink is bright enough to be seen? Good day today. Pete, Shawn and I went to the Cherry Blossom street festival in DC. We only got sprinkled on a little, compared to last year. Wandered around the stalls and ate some good food. Then off to the Air and Space Museum for space ice cream. Back to Pete's house for some homemade lasagna. Yummy! I was worried, as usual, about my colitis but I did fine. I even ate some Pad Thai at the festival and no bathroom emergencies. Yay! I am very glad that I went. Sometimes I let my colitis fears stop me from doing things but today I didn't let it. It felt so good to be out there with the rest of the world, doing something interesting and getting exercise. I have to remember that and not let myself be scared and lazy at home. Got to get out there and live my life to the fullest. I'm exhausted now, though. Not used to all that walking. I think it may be time for bed!

Friday the 13th. Survived without any issues. I don't actually believe thirteen is an unlucky number. But I do believe in the power of thought. And that if a lot of people believe something, they can influence it into happening. So friday the 13th can become a bad, unlucky day if a lot of people think it will be. The only bad thing that happened was we ordered lunch out at work and they got my sub wrong. They put hots on it and hots make my tongue burn. So I only ate half my sandwich. But I don't blame that on the 13th. I blame that on foreign people who took my order and English is their second language. Otherwise, good day. SG-1 returned and it was a decent episode. Watched Atlantis too and that was alright. Glad to have SG-1 back even if it is the end! Hung out with Pete and Shawn for the first time in a while and that was good too.

A little bit of rumbly thunder today, I liked it. Wanted more. Mary is getting a blizzard in Denver. I am jealous! Plus new england will probably get a nor'easter this weekend! Damnit! Winter storm warning for the Denver Metro area. 4-6 inches tonight and 4-6 tomorrow. Another Friday with snow, eh Mary? Just like December and January. I am quickly approaching being ready. Ready for what, you ask? Some of you know, others don't. When I am truly ready, I will let everyone know.
I went to Carol's western wear today. Not sure if it is past life stuff or what but I want a pair of cowboy boots and hat. I do. Don't know where I would wear them but I want them. Hmm, I know where I could wear them!
Didn't get my lesson today because of the rumbly thunder. I was feeling kind of reluctant about it today anyway so that is ok. Another day. Back in the saddle again. Maybe I shouldn't even bother learning English? Just learn Western. Nah, English is harder, more difficult. I like it. Western is just so relaxed. Anybody can ride Western. I did miss seeing the ponies today though. I might try to go down to the barn tomorrow after work then I can go over Pete's all horse stinky!
Yay SG-1 is back tomorrow! The last 10 episodes. Very sad.
I am rambling tonight. No cohesive subject. I'm gonna go get a snack.

Caught a little bit of Oprah today. It was a show about happiness. I have been exploring that topic already, for the past few months. Actually, has it been a year since I started this blog? This blog was a sort of attempt to find the good things, the happy things in my life. I really have made some progress in this area of my life thanks to Buddhism. The main place that I keep coming back to where I am unhappy is my job. I know I received a big sign at the end of January that it is time to move on from this job. I have learned that I am the one that is making myself miserable in this job, it is not the job itself. I have tried and continue to try to not make myself unhappy in the job. But that has almost become a job in and of itself! And while I got that major sign that it is time to move on, I get these occasional small signs that I should stay. Like despite everything that happened, I still got a raise this year. How did that happen? And I know the branches that I have been at these past few months have truly appreciated me and my knowledge. I have made a difference at those branches. That makes me feel good. So what do I do? The usual for me. Procrastinate. Nothing. Think about it all but don't do anything. The problem is I don't know where to go. I don't know what job to try and get. What the hell do I want to do with my life? I know abstracts that I want to do but I don't know the job or career. I want to love where I work, I want to love what I do. I want to help people. I would love to work with the weather or space or writing or photography. Maybe I should write and photograph my own book about the weather while I live on the space station! That's it! That's the answer! Man, I am glad I figured that out! Sigh...realistically. I check the national weather services job postings once in a while. And when I am really feeling adventurous, I check the weather channels job postings. I mean that is even in the field I got my degree in, which is just a crazy idea. But who wants to live in Atlanta? Hell no! So help me out here people, universe, god, buddha, guides...I need to figure out what I am passionate about that I would be good at and could make a living doing. That is not too much to ask.
Oh yeah, back to Oprah. The woman on the show quit her job as a VP at a bank on Wall Street, took a 90 % pay cut, and became a trapeze artist. She loves it. Wouldn't give it up for anything. That is cool. I can't afford the 90% pay cut, I only make about $29000 a year as it is. She was probably making 6 figures as VP for a bank. She could afford the pay cut. So that was the cause of this rant. Everyone talks about getting a job doing what you love. What if you don't know what you love? Then what?

So just to bring everything full circle today, I went to Borders when I got out of work and purchased a Johnny Mathis greatest hits cd. Me and the old guy in the easy listening section. It amused me. I really do have a soft spot for old music. I mean 40's-50's. Swing, big band, early Sinatra, and others that I don't even really know who the artist is. I want to look into it more. Maybe wander around amazon.com, that is usually a good place to start with all the people that have lists up on everything under the sun. And I still stand by my feeling that some of these songs could be very creepy under the right circumstances. I mean, the twelfth of never? Come on, that is a serious stalker song. There is just something about how minimalist it is. A little bit of music, usually strings, in the background. Some high pitched background singers that aren't even saying words. And Johnny's strong smooth deep voice. I don't know, could be good music for a horror movie. Oh yes, and it was Wonderful, Wonderful that they used in the X-Files episode "Home." You know, the episode that Fox banned after it aired? The one that was too disturbing? Yup, Johnny Mathis. Creepy.

An interesting thing happened tonight. Earlier this evening I had been watching tv and the music during one of the commercials caught my fancy. I don't even remember what commercial. Had something to do with shoes and it was day dreamy. I want to guess that it was a Macy's commercial I think. The music reminded me of a Johnny Mathis song that has always seemed kind of creepy to me since I heard it in an episode of the X-Files. I know, Johnny Mathis song creepy? But you have to hear it in the right context and in my warped brain it is creepy. Well, Pete has given me a bunch of cds lately and I was uploading them to my computer tonight. I copy them in windows media player-no I don't have I Tunes- and media player starts playing the cds you are ripping unless you click stop. That song started playing! It is on the cd Pete gave me! Super cool! What a great coincidence! This cd also had the song from the Geico commercial, you know the one. The catchy song with the caveman in the airport "and everywhere I go, there's always something there to remind me..." that is the lyric in the commercial. The band is Swedish, I believe. Royksopp. Of course the first o in that has that neat little accent mark above that is 2 dots. I don't know how to do that with my keyboard. I am sure it is on wingdings or something. Anyways, very cool! I am excited to have both songs!

I am not sure where to begin. So many things have happened since I really used this blog, the post in January doesn't count. And I don't really feel like catching anyone up on the shit that happened. I have moved on.
I guess what made me want to write on here was 2 things. First, Pete's blogs on myspace. He keeps reaching out to Jess, without saying her name, but I know he is referring to her. And it breaks my heart. After all the shit last year with Greg and Angie, now this. We lost a great friend last year...well, let me re-phrase that. A friend that we thought was great but turned out not to be so much turned his back and left us for reasons I am still not sure of. Except that he didn't feel as much for us as we felt for him. No wait..I am letting my feelings get in the way. I don't know that for true, it only feels that way. But it is still a great mystery how someone can be so close of a friend and then walk away. I know it was a hard decision for Greg and that he had to do what was best for himself. And I'll be frank, I am just plain hurt that he threw all of our friendships away. I couldn't have done the same. And sometimes I just want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. It is childish and I try to beat those thoughts down. Good grief I am getting away from my point. Pete, Shawn, Jess and I suffered alot of hurt and wounds from all the shit that went down last year between the six of us. But the four of us sucked it up and moved on knowing that we still had each other. And so for Jess to disappear into the ether for no reason that she has yet to explain to anyone is upsetting and brings back ugly memories of last year. Most especially to read Pete's blogs and know how much he must be hurting inside but he doesn't talk about it. And Pete, my friend, I wish I could do something to help you. To ease the heartache. And what I want you and Shawn to know the most right now is that I am not going anywhere, in terms of our friendships. I know I haven't been around much myself the last 2 months but it has nothing to do with you guys. I still value your friendships more than you guys will ever realize. I just want to make sure you know that, I have genuinely been sick lately, not avoiding you guys. I don't think you thought that I was avoiding you but I want to make sure. With what we have been through the last couple of years in terms of losing friends, it could be easy to be worried. I know I have been shaken by the losses. I don't know what to say about Jess this time. Just don't let yourself sink down that big black hole. Shawn and I are here for you.
The second was just looking at my friends page's and seeing so many of them express their creativity so freely. Pete's stories and poems. Shawn's photos. Ken's poems and lyrics. I wished I felt so comfortable to do that. Maybe one day I will. I would like that. I have a hard time expressing myself, even just in talking to others. Forget about exposing a deep feeling for all to see. So kudos and cheers to all of you that get out there and express how you feel in your stories, photos, art, poems and lyrics. They are wonderful!