I am not sure where to begin. So many things have happened since I really used this blog, the post in January doesn't count. And I don't really feel like catching anyone up on the shit that happened. I have moved on.
I guess what made me want to write on here was 2 things. First, Pete's blogs on myspace. He keeps reaching out to Jess, without saying her name, but I know he is referring to her. And it breaks my heart. After all the shit last year with Greg and Angie, now this. We lost a great friend last year...well, let me re-phrase that. A friend that we thought was great but turned out not to be so much turned his back and left us for reasons I am still not sure of. Except that he didn't feel as much for us as we felt for him. No wait..I am letting my feelings get in the way. I don't know that for true, it only feels that way. But it is still a great mystery how someone can be so close of a friend and then walk away. I know it was a hard decision for Greg and that he had to do what was best for himself. And I'll be frank, I am just plain hurt that he threw all of our friendships away. I couldn't have done the same. And sometimes I just want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. It is childish and I try to beat those thoughts down. Good grief I am getting away from my point. Pete, Shawn, Jess and I suffered alot of hurt and wounds from all the shit that went down last year between the six of us. But the four of us sucked it up and moved on knowing that we still had each other. And so for Jess to disappear into the ether for no reason that she has yet to explain to anyone is upsetting and brings back ugly memories of last year. Most especially to read Pete's blogs and know how much he must be hurting inside but he doesn't talk about it. And Pete, my friend, I wish I could do something to help you. To ease the heartache. And what I want you and Shawn to know the most right now is that I am not going anywhere, in terms of our friendships. I know I haven't been around much myself the last 2 months but it has nothing to do with you guys. I still value your friendships more than you guys will ever realize. I just want to make sure you know that, I have genuinely been sick lately, not avoiding you guys. I don't think you thought that I was avoiding you but I want to make sure. With what we have been through the last couple of years in terms of losing friends, it could be easy to be worried. I know I have been shaken by the losses. I don't know what to say about Jess this time. Just don't let yourself sink down that big black hole. Shawn and I are here for you.
The second was just looking at my friends page's and seeing so many of them express their creativity so freely. Pete's stories and poems. Shawn's photos. Ken's poems and lyrics. I wished I felt so comfortable to do that. Maybe one day I will. I would like that. I have a hard time expressing myself, even just in talking to others. Forget about exposing a deep feeling for all to see. So kudos and cheers to all of you that get out there and express how you feel in your stories, photos, art, poems and lyrics. They are wonderful!