My mood has been better this week. Part of it was PMS, as usual. Moody, moody, moody. Better now.
So not paying attention at work yesterday and I smacked my bad knee into my desk. Ouch! Had to abandon my station and go in the back and try not to cry. Bothered me all day and night, had a hard time sleeping last night. Got up this morning and went downstairs. My knee said screw you and gave out twice on the way down the stairs. So when I got to work I called the doctors. Went this afternoon and after laughing at me, because she had just seen me Thursday of last week, my doc sent me for x-rays. She thinks I maybe fractured my knee cap/patella. Joy. If I didn't, she is going to send to physical therapy to strengthen my knee. I am actually looking forward to that, I want to get back to hiking and horse riding. And she gave me blessed vicodin! Yay, I can sleep tonight! Hopefully I will find out tomorrow if I damaged my knee alot more or just a little bit more. Definitely by Monday I should hear from Dr. Go. I love her name. It's like Dr. No but better. Shawn you would like her.
Anyways, not much else going on!

I have managed to waste a whole perfectly good weekend! I have a whole weekend off, I didn't have to work late Friday, or Saturday or Sunday and I didn't do anything! Sat on the sofa and watched TV or read my book all day Saturday. Ran out to Target briefly but that was it. Probably run out to the grocery store today. Thought about going to the park for a walk but I am having a hard time getting motivated. Having problems with my knee. A stomach virus is going around my house and I am afraid it will strike while I am out in the middle of nowhere. That would suck! At least it was nice and cool today so I was able to get online. Haven't done that since Colorado. Actually had a couple of emails from Mike saying where the hell are you.
Miserable at work this week and it is starting to take a toll on my attitude. I had been doing so well for the last 5 months! No big swings down into depression. Keeping the Buddhist teachings in the front of my mind. Not so much this week. I have got to get back on track.
Offered a new position at the bank, senior teller at a branch in Columbia. Not sure how I feel about it. Don't think I care whether I take it or not. I think I want a new job making about 5000 more bucks a year. I am college graduate, it shouldn't be that hard! But the only thing I have experience at is banking and that doesn't pay anything! I don't know what to do. I hate it. Do I go back to school? Ugh. Debt. Get a headhunter? I should at least find out how much a head hunter costs. Start applying for a state of md job. Can't hurt to apply and show the universe that I really want a change for the better. I've got to do something.

Rainy days and Mondays...eer.. Tuesdays
Okay I keep falling off the blog wagon. I am trying to climb back on.
I am here in Denver on vacation. I didn't manifest the Friday off but I gave up trying because the plane tickets were too expensive and I just didn't have enough money to go on the retreat either. That's okay, I am going to drive up there and check out the mountain center while I am here anyway. It is chilly and pouring rain today. Good thing I had already made plans to be lazy and not do anything! Slept in, went grocery shopping, ate lunch from Sonic. Watched last nights Heroes season finale and played on the internet. Mary and Ken won't be home until late so I am on my own all day. No big deal, I am enjoying the quiet and rest. A good way to start off a vacation. I should start plannning what I would like to do tomorrow though! Perhaps the mountain center? Perhaps Pike's Peak? Maybe just a drive through the mountains? I have forgotten what else I wanted to do on this trip! I am saving Rocky Mountain National Park for Friday. They are planning on opening the Trail Ridge road on Friday. I have yet to drive across it and I am determined to! It is usually closed when I am here. So keeping my fingers crossed for Friday and an open road.

Got some antibiotics for my sinus infection and they are driving me crazy! So much poop! Got some probiotics to counter the antibiotics but they don't seem to be working as well. Some visualization would be a good idea. I've got to get this stopped. I haven't been able to do much more than work this week and that is no fun.
Mom Mom isn't doing so well. Demensia is the official diagnosis. Pop Pop has finally come to his senses that he can't take care of her so they are starting to find a place that will take them both. He wants to go with her wherever they send her. I am glad. Right now she is in the hospital until medicare kicks in and will pay for someplace to send her. I will be relieved once they are both in an assisted care facility. I think the whole family will.
Trying to get my vacation plans sorted out. It is quickly approaching. I originally wanted to go up Mike's for one last visit before they move back to Alaska. But he is unsure of when they are leaving. Could be today, could be 2 weeks from now. Ugh. So I think I am writing that off my list. Especially since I found super cheap tickets to Denver! I'll go see Mary again! Yay! The first weekend of my vacation, the Shambhala Mounatain Center is having their beginning meditating retreat and I really want to go. Problem is you have to be there by 5:30pm Friday. Right now, that is impossible. But I am trying to manifest Friday off from work. Forget the try, I am manifesting Friday off from work so that I can go. I just need it to happen by this Friday so that I can get the tickets at the cheap price! I really want to go to this retreat weekend! A full immersion in Buddhism. I can't wait! Plus it is in the beautiful rocky mountains that stole my heart. Sigh...this will happen.

I was doing so well there posting again but then it all fell apart. Mike came to town and I got completely sucked into hanging out with him. Then I got sick! The usual allergies into sinus infection. Finally went to the doctors and got antibiotics 2 days ago. They haven't really kicked in yet. I just need a break in the pollen and that would help alot too.
Let's see, where to begin. Mike's visit. Had a great super time as usual when it is just him and I. Talked, laughed, listened to music, watched scary movies. No KC. That was wonderful! Kept having feelings like this would be the last time I would see him for a long time. Bummer. They are moving back to Alaska. They still haven't figured out that it doesn't matter where you live, that isn't what makes you happy. It is just an excuse. He and I went to Harpers Ferry one day and that was the best day. Except like an idiot I ate lunch at McDonalds, just a happy meal cheeseburger, and got sick. Whammo with the colitis. I know better than to eat when I am on a road trip like that! But Mike was really understanding and didn't mind chilling at the mcdonalds for about a half hour longer while I ran to the bathroom multiple times. Harpers Ferry was marvelous. We could have spent all day at the top of the hill in the cemetary. Just like old times. Brought back the story too.
Last year was the year of the weddings, this year is the year of the houses. Jamie and Andy just bought a house, Willow and Greg have put a bid on a house and got but no settlement yet, and Nathan and Jess have put a bid on a house. Madness. While I still live with my parents. Ugh. I have to find a new job that pays more money and get my own place! Question is, should I stick with the original move plans? I have saved up almost $2000 which is amazing for me. I've never saved up this much money before! I am very proud of myself.
Ok, don't want to babble for too long on here tonight. Good night!

Ah, new NIN! Yay! Went to target yesterday and got it on sale. Also bought a little sunflower plant to grow. I think I should plant that today. My original plan was to also get a hair cut today but now I am feeling unmotivated as I sit in front of this computer and wander around the internet.
My thoughts wander back to Pete and his blogs. I am still worried about him. Still no one has heard from Jess and he hasn't talked much about it either. But I know it is tearing him up inside. I wonder if he talks to anyone about it? I could just wring the necks of Greg and Jess. Stupid self centered idiots. Dreamt about Greg last night for the first time in a long time. Dreamt I was almost pleading with him to come back. I tried to remind him of all the good times we had and how much we loved him. It was so surreal in that way that dreams can be. Sometimes we were in a desert/canyon area at night and all of my friends were there. Pete, Shawn, Jess, Greg, Allie, Angie, Jim, Nathan, Mary. Angie sort of stood off to the side. I remember telling Greg I had been pregnant but never told him because I had miscarried. (Not true in real life at all, we never slept together) Must have been some sort of representation of my love and friendship for him and how it has ruptured. I had a quilt that I was working on showing all of the good times we had together. The quilt was incomplete and falling apart. Then other times we were at a huge festival/party. Still nighttime. This party was definitely surreal-it fed into other dreams from last night not related to Greg. But there were bands and carnival rides and bonfires. It was in a big field and woods. I think we were trying to show him how much fun we had together. I don't remember so much from that dream.
There was also a Buddhism part to one of my dreams last night. Something about the Dalai Lama. I remember the maroon and gold, monk colors. That was a very important part too and I can't remember it! Ugh! My sign to get back into my Buddhism studies. Wish I could go to KPC this weekend but I have to work at the Wheel. Maybe when I get out of work on Saturday afternoon I'll take a drive out there. Oh yeah! There was something about singing bowls in the dream! Yay little pieces coming back to me! Saturday I will go to KPC!
Riding lesson this afternoon, yay!

The tales of heroism coming out of Blacksburg today are amazing. They make me cry a little but that is ok. And I cry for the soul of that poor Korean student and his family. I cry for the gun store owner that sold him the gun. And most especially I cry for the wounded and dead students and professors. But I love hearing those tales of heroism. I hope this nation doesn't get tied up in a blame game though. Gun control laws, the store owner, his family, the actions of the university. None of these things are to blame for what happened yesterday. I repeat my blog from yesterday, I stand by it. Don't blame VT for what they did or did not do. If this man was determined to kill people, he would have found people to kill whether they were on campus or not. Be kind to each other people, you never know who is hiding the next shooter inside them.

On a personal note, my back hurts so bad today! It is from cleaning the basement on sunday, I know. Just why does it take 2 days for the pain to kick in? Why? Finished my state taxes too, today. Yay!

Terrible, tragic news out of Virginia Tech today. I am sure there are millions of blogs already about it. Might as well add mine to the melee. Lots of people bitching about the decision not to lock down the campus after the first shooting. Shut up people! Does it do any good to bitch about that now? Besides, they made the best decision they could with the knowledge they had. The people in charge thought that the dead guy was the shooter, they thought it was a murder-suicide. Who would have thought that the shooter would go out and kill more 2 hours later? That is a long time! 2 hours! The shooter could have driven to DC by then. Would a lock down have really done any good? After an hour, the students locked in the dorms would have gotten bored and been out of their rooms by then anyway. Let's face the truth here, teenagers don't like to do what they are told. And what about the ones that were already en route to their morning classes? Where would they have gone? 26,000 students go to that school. That is a hell of a lot. Imagine trying to get them all locked down. Never would have happened. Ok, enough.
VT, my prayers and thoughts are with you.

Spent the morning doing my federal taxes online. 770 dollar refund, heck yes! Now I have to decide how to spend it! New digital SLR camera? New LCD monitor? New tires? I think the new tires is a definite. We'll see after that. Then I spent the afternoon/evening hours sucking up the rainwater that flooded the basement with the wet/dry vac. Ugh, that is yucky, smelly, wet, back breaking work. Stupid nor'easter that didn't bring us any snow! Just inches and inches of water!

I wonder if this pink is bright enough to be seen? Good day today. Pete, Shawn and I went to the Cherry Blossom street festival in DC. We only got sprinkled on a little, compared to last year. Wandered around the stalls and ate some good food. Then off to the Air and Space Museum for space ice cream. Back to Pete's house for some homemade lasagna. Yummy! I was worried, as usual, about my colitis but I did fine. I even ate some Pad Thai at the festival and no bathroom emergencies. Yay! I am very glad that I went. Sometimes I let my colitis fears stop me from doing things but today I didn't let it. It felt so good to be out there with the rest of the world, doing something interesting and getting exercise. I have to remember that and not let myself be scared and lazy at home. Got to get out there and live my life to the fullest. I'm exhausted now, though. Not used to all that walking. I think it may be time for bed!

Friday the 13th. Survived without any issues. I don't actually believe thirteen is an unlucky number. But I do believe in the power of thought. And that if a lot of people believe something, they can influence it into happening. So friday the 13th can become a bad, unlucky day if a lot of people think it will be. The only bad thing that happened was we ordered lunch out at work and they got my sub wrong. They put hots on it and hots make my tongue burn. So I only ate half my sandwich. But I don't blame that on the 13th. I blame that on foreign people who took my order and English is their second language. Otherwise, good day. SG-1 returned and it was a decent episode. Watched Atlantis too and that was alright. Glad to have SG-1 back even if it is the end! Hung out with Pete and Shawn for the first time in a while and that was good too.

A little bit of rumbly thunder today, I liked it. Wanted more. Mary is getting a blizzard in Denver. I am jealous! Plus new england will probably get a nor'easter this weekend! Damnit! Winter storm warning for the Denver Metro area. 4-6 inches tonight and 4-6 tomorrow. Another Friday with snow, eh Mary? Just like December and January. I am quickly approaching being ready. Ready for what, you ask? Some of you know, others don't. When I am truly ready, I will let everyone know.
I went to Carol's western wear today. Not sure if it is past life stuff or what but I want a pair of cowboy boots and hat. I do. Don't know where I would wear them but I want them. Hmm, I know where I could wear them!
Didn't get my lesson today because of the rumbly thunder. I was feeling kind of reluctant about it today anyway so that is ok. Another day. Back in the saddle again. Maybe I shouldn't even bother learning English? Just learn Western. Nah, English is harder, more difficult. I like it. Western is just so relaxed. Anybody can ride Western. I did miss seeing the ponies today though. I might try to go down to the barn tomorrow after work then I can go over Pete's all horse stinky!
Yay SG-1 is back tomorrow! The last 10 episodes. Very sad.
I am rambling tonight. No cohesive subject. I'm gonna go get a snack.

Caught a little bit of Oprah today. It was a show about happiness. I have been exploring that topic already, for the past few months. Actually, has it been a year since I started this blog? This blog was a sort of attempt to find the good things, the happy things in my life. I really have made some progress in this area of my life thanks to Buddhism. The main place that I keep coming back to where I am unhappy is my job. I know I received a big sign at the end of January that it is time to move on from this job. I have learned that I am the one that is making myself miserable in this job, it is not the job itself. I have tried and continue to try to not make myself unhappy in the job. But that has almost become a job in and of itself! And while I got that major sign that it is time to move on, I get these occasional small signs that I should stay. Like despite everything that happened, I still got a raise this year. How did that happen? And I know the branches that I have been at these past few months have truly appreciated me and my knowledge. I have made a difference at those branches. That makes me feel good. So what do I do? The usual for me. Procrastinate. Nothing. Think about it all but don't do anything. The problem is I don't know where to go. I don't know what job to try and get. What the hell do I want to do with my life? I know abstracts that I want to do but I don't know the job or career. I want to love where I work, I want to love what I do. I want to help people. I would love to work with the weather or space or writing or photography. Maybe I should write and photograph my own book about the weather while I live on the space station! That's it! That's the answer! Man, I am glad I figured that out! Sigh...realistically. I check the national weather services job postings once in a while. And when I am really feeling adventurous, I check the weather channels job postings. I mean that is even in the field I got my degree in, which is just a crazy idea. But who wants to live in Atlanta? Hell no! So help me out here people, universe, god, buddha, guides...I need to figure out what I am passionate about that I would be good at and could make a living doing. That is not too much to ask.
Oh yeah, back to Oprah. The woman on the show quit her job as a VP at a bank on Wall Street, took a 90 % pay cut, and became a trapeze artist. She loves it. Wouldn't give it up for anything. That is cool. I can't afford the 90% pay cut, I only make about $29000 a year as it is. She was probably making 6 figures as VP for a bank. She could afford the pay cut. So that was the cause of this rant. Everyone talks about getting a job doing what you love. What if you don't know what you love? Then what?

So just to bring everything full circle today, I went to Borders when I got out of work and purchased a Johnny Mathis greatest hits cd. Me and the old guy in the easy listening section. It amused me. I really do have a soft spot for old music. I mean 40's-50's. Swing, big band, early Sinatra, and others that I don't even really know who the artist is. I want to look into it more. Maybe wander around amazon.com, that is usually a good place to start with all the people that have lists up on everything under the sun. And I still stand by my feeling that some of these songs could be very creepy under the right circumstances. I mean, the twelfth of never? Come on, that is a serious stalker song. There is just something about how minimalist it is. A little bit of music, usually strings, in the background. Some high pitched background singers that aren't even saying words. And Johnny's strong smooth deep voice. I don't know, could be good music for a horror movie. Oh yes, and it was Wonderful, Wonderful that they used in the X-Files episode "Home." You know, the episode that Fox banned after it aired? The one that was too disturbing? Yup, Johnny Mathis. Creepy.

An interesting thing happened tonight. Earlier this evening I had been watching tv and the music during one of the commercials caught my fancy. I don't even remember what commercial. Had something to do with shoes and it was day dreamy. I want to guess that it was a Macy's commercial I think. The music reminded me of a Johnny Mathis song that has always seemed kind of creepy to me since I heard it in an episode of the X-Files. I know, Johnny Mathis song creepy? But you have to hear it in the right context and in my warped brain it is creepy. Well, Pete has given me a bunch of cds lately and I was uploading them to my computer tonight. I copy them in windows media player-no I don't have I Tunes- and media player starts playing the cds you are ripping unless you click stop. That song started playing! It is on the cd Pete gave me! Super cool! What a great coincidence! This cd also had the song from the Geico commercial, you know the one. The catchy song with the caveman in the airport "and everywhere I go, there's always something there to remind me..." that is the lyric in the commercial. The band is Swedish, I believe. Royksopp. Of course the first o in that has that neat little accent mark above that is 2 dots. I don't know how to do that with my keyboard. I am sure it is on wingdings or something. Anyways, very cool! I am excited to have both songs!

I am not sure where to begin. So many things have happened since I really used this blog, the post in January doesn't count. And I don't really feel like catching anyone up on the shit that happened. I have moved on.
I guess what made me want to write on here was 2 things. First, Pete's blogs on myspace. He keeps reaching out to Jess, without saying her name, but I know he is referring to her. And it breaks my heart. After all the shit last year with Greg and Angie, now this. We lost a great friend last year...well, let me re-phrase that. A friend that we thought was great but turned out not to be so much turned his back and left us for reasons I am still not sure of. Except that he didn't feel as much for us as we felt for him. No wait..I am letting my feelings get in the way. I don't know that for true, it only feels that way. But it is still a great mystery how someone can be so close of a friend and then walk away. I know it was a hard decision for Greg and that he had to do what was best for himself. And I'll be frank, I am just plain hurt that he threw all of our friendships away. I couldn't have done the same. And sometimes I just want to hurt him as much as he hurt me. It is childish and I try to beat those thoughts down. Good grief I am getting away from my point. Pete, Shawn, Jess and I suffered alot of hurt and wounds from all the shit that went down last year between the six of us. But the four of us sucked it up and moved on knowing that we still had each other. And so for Jess to disappear into the ether for no reason that she has yet to explain to anyone is upsetting and brings back ugly memories of last year. Most especially to read Pete's blogs and know how much he must be hurting inside but he doesn't talk about it. And Pete, my friend, I wish I could do something to help you. To ease the heartache. And what I want you and Shawn to know the most right now is that I am not going anywhere, in terms of our friendships. I know I haven't been around much myself the last 2 months but it has nothing to do with you guys. I still value your friendships more than you guys will ever realize. I just want to make sure you know that, I have genuinely been sick lately, not avoiding you guys. I don't think you thought that I was avoiding you but I want to make sure. With what we have been through the last couple of years in terms of losing friends, it could be easy to be worried. I know I have been shaken by the losses. I don't know what to say about Jess this time. Just don't let yourself sink down that big black hole. Shawn and I are here for you.
The second was just looking at my friends page's and seeing so many of them express their creativity so freely. Pete's stories and poems. Shawn's photos. Ken's poems and lyrics. I wished I felt so comfortable to do that. Maybe one day I will. I would like that. I have a hard time expressing myself, even just in talking to others. Forget about exposing a deep feeling for all to see. So kudos and cheers to all of you that get out there and express how you feel in your stories, photos, art, poems and lyrics. They are wonderful!

Ha ha ha! So work gave us back the internet temporarily. And I just can't help myself! I had to get on while I am here. Too bad we still can't get to our internet email. :( But then I would never get any work done! I would be too busy emailing Mary and Pete! Hee hee hee! I can kill some time on the internet, it is probably a good thing that it is normally blocked. I don't know if anyone even looks at this blog any more. Don't matter really. So I almost had to fire a teller today. Would have been the first time I have ever fired anyone. Not sure how I would have felt about that. Relieved in one way because this teller is driving me crazy and I truly think she might be stealing. Upset in another cause it's just sucky to fire someone. I know, I know, if she is breaking the rules it is her fault. But still...But it doesn't matter because this bank doesn't fire anyone and so she is on final warning again. Did I mention that she was already on final warning? So does that make this final final warning?
I have recently gotten into Law and Order Criminal Intent. It is so good. And I am not a crime drama watcher. Didn't watch NYPD Blue, didn't watch regular Law and Order. No CSI in any of its incarnations. Well, there was the X-Files. Favorite show ever. But I don't think that counts as a crime drama. Vincent D'onofrio is awesome on that show. I am totally captivated by him. Oh yeah and three cheers for Battlestar Galatica and Heroes! Good shows!