Attention

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Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Life does just seem to be one giant battle with my ego. This intolerable need that we all have to have someone pay attention to us. Friends, lovers, enemies, neighbors, family, co-workers-whomever. We just want someone to acknowledge our existence and that we are worth knowing. Is this just insecurity? I used to do very immature things when I was in high school to get attention from people. Not terrible things-I never hurt anyone or my self. At least not intentionally. But sometimes the mind wanders to that lonely place and wonders if anyone would notice if I was gone. I don't visit that sad place very often any more. When I was a teen, I lived there. I have made progress in the ego clinging and craving that takes place regarding my friends. Still, sometimes I wish they would pay more attention to me. And I hate when these feelings come up.
The past few days, as I read a book on 'lojong,' I have been trying to confront these feelings but they are slippery. How to get to the deep part? To the real issue? And like some Buddhist teachers say, it is a soft, tender spot in my chest that is revealed. My heart. Shielded away under so much armor. And it aches and hurts when I think about my friends and how little they acknowledge me. So I try to be good about this. And I do the things that I want my friends to do. I call them. I write emails. I leave comments on their photos and blogs and facebook pages. All in attempts to make them feel better-if they are even feeling lonely at all.
Then my ego jumps in. I tell myself that it is because of my heart opening and spiritual progression that I feel this way. It is because I am superior to my friends. They are all shut off from their feelings but I am not. I am better than them. But I don't think any of that is true either. Just ego trying to justify my pain.
So what do I do? How do I get the attention that I want? Maybe that is not the question. I need to get rid of these expectations. I need to accept what my friends are able to offer me and neither look nor expect more. Then I can't be hurt and let down.
But I don't think that is the right answer either. That is just more shutting down and closing off.