Right Speech

Echinacea
Originally uploaded by Lori Lyra

Wow, so I have been overwhelmed at work for the past 2 months. When I am as busy as I have been, and even more importantly, as tired as I have been, it makes it hard to see the little steps forward. Well, one came to my attention yesterday and it felt really good.
I am a great exaggerator. When I am telling someone no or explaining why I can't do something, I have a horrible habit of making my reason even larger than it is. And yes, sometimes I just outright lie. If I don't feel like doing something, then I don't feel well. And I will stretch that out as far as it can go-like I have a massive migraine when I truly only have a little headache.
Yesterday, however, I didn't exaggerate. I know that may not seem like a big deal. But it really was. I was having some heartburn and a little upset stomach but I was supposed to have a massage. I know what you're saying-who wants to skip on their massage? I did. Normally I would have made it sound like I was really sick-either diarrhea or vomiting-but this time I did not. I just came right out and explained how I felt. What was strange was that I paused in the middle of my tale and checked myself. That is something I would have needed to do if I was lying, to make sure that I was keeping my story straight. And when I realized that I was telling the truth, I felt naked and exposed. It was the strangest feeling. I can't explain it adequately. It was exposing and freeing all at the same time. I did it again sometime later that night. I had missed some phone calls because my phone was on vibrate. When I realized it, I called the person. On many occasions, I would have made up a good excuse for missing the calls. This time, I did not. I just told them what happened. And again I stopped to check my story and was still surprised to find that I had told the truth! Weird! Why was I surprised? I must lie more than I even realize.
I wonder if it is a protection-that would explain why I felt exposed. Or am I fearful of what other people would think of me if I told them my real reason. Like they may not think it is good enough and so they would try to pressure me. So I am trying to avoid that pressure by making sure my excuse is a damn good one.
All I know right now, is that it felt really good to not exaggerate and just say it like it is. I hope that these small experiences with Right Speech will continue and build upon each other. I want to feel secure enough with my self and the people around me that I don't have to lie to them or myself.